Compartmentalize
by drisles
Summary: AU. If it were an adjective it could be used to describe Dr. Maura Isles. Separate, isolated compartments; work Maura and home Maura. She has perfected the transition between the two. From the moment she sews up the last Y incision of the day to the moment she steps foot into her apartment; the shift was immediate. The shift was easy. Until Jane. 8/18: all ch.'s edited/re-uploaded
1. Chapter 1

Verb: to separate into isolated compartments or categories.

If it were an adjective it would be used to describe Dr. Maura Isles. Separate, isolated compartments; work Maura, home Maura. She has perfected the transition between the two. From the moment she sews up the last Y incision of the day to the moment she steps foot into her apartment; the shift is immediate.

Maura at work

Professional, meticulous, well dressed. On the outside, she was perfect. A strong, independent, successful woman whose life did not rely on a man. She was confident, intimidating to some, "The Ice Queen," and a damn hard worker. She was also a woman of wealth, a woman, who if she chose, would never have to work a day in her life. But that was not Maura Isles. Maura Isles craved knowledge, loved her career, and was destined for so much more than the socialite life she inherited.

Yes, work Maura had it together. Work Maura was the epitome of success and happiness. But home Maura? That's a whole different story.

Maura at home.

From the moment she unlocks her door and flips the light, Maura's switch from work to home is a complete 180. Her heels click across the floor as they make their way from the garage entrance to the kitchen, where Maura places her keys and purse in their designated spots (still compartmentalizing certain parts of her life). Slipping off her blazer, she moves down the hall to her bedroom, placing her Jimmy Choos in the correct box and discards her pencil skirt and silk top to their appropriate hangers to be sent off for dry cleaning. In nothing but her matching lingerie set, she slips into her silk robe and heads back toward the living room. She is not sure why she partakes in the following activities in this particular ensemble, but it somehow always ends up that way; makes her feel sexy while performing her unsexy habit.

And so it begins, her addiction (no, she thinks to herself, it's not that bad)... her habit. (Yes, habit, that's all it is). The thing that haunts her, but just can't seem to stop. Standing in front of her neatly organized and well stocked bar cart, she reaches for the gin to make herself a cocktail. The first of many she will pour over the next few hours.

She's not exactly sure when or why this little 'drinking habit' started. It certainly wasn't because she needed the liquid courage. No, of all people, Maura did not need to drink for the courage. She was confident, smart, and beautiful; envied by many. Maura never had to drink to work up the nerve to talk or flirt with anyone. Maura was the definition of sexual confidence and was more than comfortable with her body and her sexual endeavors. As long as she felt safe, knew an experience could be pleasurable for her, or at the very least could learn something from it, Maura engaged willingly. It was exciting. It was fun. It was an experiment.

No, Maura drank to feel. Although she was brilliant at reading emotions in others, she had a difficult time identifying and feeling her own. She needed to make sure she was human; that she wasn't the same as the bodies lying on her table. That she wasn't the same as Charles Hoyt. She needed to know that she was capable of love and that others were capable of loving her. She needed release and the only way she seemed know how was to drink. She hates herself for it. The doctor in her knows how bad it is for her body and how unhealthy, both physically and emotionally it is for her. How illogical it is, but she can't seem to stop. It has become a routine, and for Maura, once something becomes routine, it's hard to kick the habit.

Extremely hard.

It started out being a once a month thing, which soon lead to once a week, followed by once a day. She came home from work and drank. Drank until she felt. Drank until she was sobbing on the bathroom floor just because it felt so good to feel; to have release that she couldn't achieve otherwise.

She drank until she _couldn't_ feel anything.

But, no matter how much she drank or how late she was up, she still managed to wake up bright and early each morning and go complete her morning routine. She had been doing it for so long that she became an expert at covering the slightest hint of being hung-over. She had no problem making the transition between sad, shit-faced Maura to happy, well-dressed, google-mouth Maura. The switch was easy.

Until Jane.

Jane.

Jane did not compartmentalize. As a detective, as a cop, as a person in law enforcement, that was just not a word in the job description. A serial killer on the run at work was still a serial killer on the run at home. There was no separation, no off switch. Her life is her work and her work is her life. Since Hoyt it was almost impossible to separate the two.

Her routine was simple. She stayed up working on cases and she woke up early, just minutes before needing to be at the precinct, and never had time for breakfast or to put together a decent outfit.

V-necks, pastries, and day old coffee became her signature. And she was fine with that.

Until Maura.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been about eight months since Maura started working at BPD. Eight months since she met Jane. 7 months and two weeks since Jane had become a part of her routine. Two weeks was all it took for Maura to be invited to the Dirty Robber after work to spend the night drinking, laughing, and feeling a part of the team. Two weeks for Jane to realize that Maura honestly did not understand her jokes and she really did take everything _so _literally. It was just two of the many quirks that were so identifiably Maura. The Google talk grew on her and instead of coming up with excuses to get away from the Doctor, like so many in the past, Jane came up with excuses to be _with_ the Doctor. Two weeks was all it took and it would have been a lot sooner if Jane hadn't still been in the drug unit when Maura got hired.

Maura remembers that first day like it was yesterday. Who knew that the iron deficient 'prostitute' with an attitude would turn out to be her friend. Her _best_ friend. Formal introductions were made about an hour after the incident by Lieutenant Cavanaugh and Jane remembers quite clearly the humiliation she felt when she learned that the woman she told "not all hookers have a heart of gold," was the new Chief Medical Examiner. "Smooth, real smooth, Rizzoli," she thought to herself. At least she wasn't still in the hooker getup this time. Maura took it in stride though and when Jane went over to apologize, she was quickly forgiven with a genuine Maura smile. One of many that would make melt Jane completely.

Almost two weeks after their first meeting, Jane was promoted to detective and she and Maura began seeing each other more regularly. A change welcomed by both.

There was, without a doubt, an attraction between the two women. It was subtle at first, but it gradually built over time. After Jane became detective, the two worked closely nearly every day, although Maura didn't need to be in the bullpen, she often found herself there. Same went for Jane; she certainly didn't need to be in the morgue nearly as much as she was, but neither of them seemed to question it. Until that one night. That one night where they realized this might be something more. Although neither one was willing to admit it.

Jane and the team had successfully solved their latest homicide, the first big one for Jane as detective. So, the guys planned on taking her out to celebrate and, hesitantly, Maura agreed to go when Korsak extended the invitation to her.

"Shit." Maura thought to herself as she walked back to her office. It's not that she didn't want to go, she was just nervous. She normally didn't socialize with her coworkers; she normally didn't socialize at all. Unless of course it was at an art gallery opening or a charity benefit or a medical seminar. She could handle those situations perfectly, minus a few awkward interactions, but that was before her little habit began. Luckily, at this point, Maura's drinking problem hadn't reached the intensity that it was at now, but that also meant she wasn't as good as controlling it.

_Shit._

Maura was just about to call Korsak with an excuse to cancel when she heard a knock on the door.

Jane.

"Hello, Jane."

"Hey! Korsak just told me the good news!"

"North Korea has a new leader?"

"What? Maura, no," Jane laughs at the M.E, "I'm talking about the fact that you're coming out with us tonight! Korsak just told me."

"Oh. (_real smooth Maura_) Well, actually I just remembered that I have, um, I have a lot of work to catch up on…."

"Oh, come on Maura! We just closed a huge case! We're all exhausted, it's Friday, neither of us are on call tomorrow. We've got to celebrate my firs- hey, what's wrong with your neck?"

_Shit_. hives.

Maura instinctively reaches up to her collarbone, "What? Oh, Um, this, uh, it's nothing. It's nothing, I mean... I must be allergic to this fabric," _shit, another lie! "_Um, you know what, yes, you're right. You're right. I would love to go out with all of you. You deserve it and I want to be there to celebrate."

Jane smiles, although still a little confused with the doctor's flustered actions and her unusual vocabulary of "um" and "uhs," "We _all_ deserve it. The rest of the department is heading over in about fifteen, meet you in the café?"

"Um, yes," Maura states as she looks down at her still red neck and chest "Yes, I just need to freshen up and I'll be right there."

"Great, see you in a few." Jane says as she exits the office.

_Shit._

"It will be fine. You are Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. You can be social. You can do your best to understand pop culture references and you will not end up humiliating yourself in front of your coworkers. You can hold your alcohol for one night," Maura said to herself as she fluffed her hair in front of the mirror, "I hope."

Maura stepped out of the elevator and was greeted immediately by the detective, "Ready?" Jane says as she leads Maura out of the precinct.

"Yes."

_Shit_.

Hives.


	3. Chapter 3

_flashback_

The evening had begun innocently enough. Jane and Maura sat with Frankie, Korsak, and Frost at their usual booth, each with a beer in hand, or wine in Maura's case. The conversation was easy and for the first hour or so was spent talking about the case. As the bar got more crowded and everyone seemed to be loosening up from the booze, the conversation got raunchy and more relaxed. It was just _fun_; something Maura needed to have more of.

Around 10 p.m., a small section of the Dirty Robber turned into a dance floor, and with three glasses of wine in her, Maura just couldn't resist. When she suggested the idea to the rest of the group, she was greeted with shaking heads and a chorus of, "No way, I am too sober for that shit!" minus the one enthusiastic response from Frost, "Oh come on guys, it will be fun!" Still, the rest of them seemed reluctant. "How about a round of shots on me, only catch is you all need to join Frost and I for at least one song?" Well, that was one thing this crew couldn't pass on… free booze. Frost glanced at Maura and then to the rest of the team. "Ugh, fine," everyone said in unison.

A few minutes later, Maura returned from the bar with a tray of five tequila shots, a salt shaker, and five limes. Everyone licked their hands, sprinkled the salt, and held up their glasses to toast. Everyone except Jane. She was too busy watching Maura. It was odd seeing the doctor out of her work element, it was so, so … _something_. And there was something unusually erotic about watching Maura lick the salt from her skin, down the shot, and bite into the lime, but what really got her was when she licked her lips free of the juice as she looked at Jane with a slight smile, "Come on Jane, let's go!"

Jane quickly downed the shot as Maura pulled her onto the floor. "No, Maura, no I can't do this! I will never drunk enough to dance, I am not making a fool of myself in front of my team!"

"Oh come on, Jane, it's fun! Just let your body react to the music….pleeeease?"

Ugh, the Maura pout.

"Fine. But only one song, that's it! I mean it!"

As they reached the floor, Korsak had just selected the B-52's 'Love Shack.' "Ah, really Korsak?" yelled Frost.

"Oh stop, Frost, I know you can get down with this!" yelled Maura.

"Really? _Really_? Did you just say 'get down,' Maura? You really have had too much to drink," Jane laughed.

"Oh don't worry ladies, I can get so down," spat Frost.

"Ooooh sounds like a challenge!" yelled Frankie. Their 'bromance,' was unbearably cute.

And the familiar, cheesy 90s song that should only be reserved for weddings began...

_If you see a faded sign at the side of the road that says fifteen miles to the… LOOOOVE Shack, love shack baaay-beeee… I got me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty so hurry up and bring your jukebox money!_

Jane watches for a moment as Frankie lip syncs to the lyrics and Frost does his best to keep his moves to the beat, Korsak is just laughing and swaying side to side, dipping his knees and alternating hands to point at Maura. And Maura? Oh, Maura. Her smile was full mouth and open, overjoyed with Korsak's silly dancing, and she looked more beautiful than she ever had before. She claps to the beat of the music and sways her hips in tune with the beat. Oh does she sway her hips. Right when Jane realizes she's been staring too long, Maura points at her and gives her the 'come hither' finger as she mouths the next lyrics "_glitter on the mattress, glitter on the highway, glitter on frontporch, glitter on highwaaaay! The love shack is a little ol place where. we. can. get. to-geeetheeer!" _Jane couldn't help but laugh. If everyone else was partaking in the madness, so could she.

Korsak mouthed the next set of lyrics with his best Fred Schneider impression, which was surprisingly spot on… and hilarious, "_Funky little shack, funky. Little. Shack!" _Jane takes a moment to look around at everyone and realizes she hasn't seen everyone have this much fun in a long, long time. _She _hadn't had this much fun in a long time. Everyone seemed so—so free. So happy.

About twenty songs and three shots later, everyone was a little _too_ happy. Especially Maura. At the end of the last song, Maura fell into Jane, body pressed up close, giggling, she looked up at her "oops." Grabbing her up by her elbows, Jane pulled Maura off the dance floor, towards the door, "Ooook I think we've both had a little tooooo much to drink. Let's catch a cab." Maura looked at her, perplexed, "Jane, you can't physically _catch_ a cab."

Jane laughed, too drunk to explain.

After grabbing their things and saying their goodbyes, Jane and Maura stumbled out of the Robber, clearly a struggle for both of them to even stand straight, let alone hail a cab. Falling into the backseat, Jane asked, "Alright, Maur, where to?" Maura looks at her, very seriously and says "the love shack, baby" and burst out into a fit of giggles. Jane rolls her eyes, but can't help but laugh, "No seriously Maura tell the driver your address, I have no idea where you live," but Maura continued on singing.

The two eventually end up at Jane's apartment. The stairs were a bit of a struggle. No, they were a huge struggle; Halfway through the cab ride Maura passed out, and although Jane was strong, carrying dead weight up two flights of stairs was not easy. How Maura managed to remain asleep through the numerous curse words Jane muttered, was beyond her.

As soon as they got to the door, Jane realized this was going to be much more difficult than anticipated. Hands. Keys required hands, which were currently being used to hold Maura. Keys were… "Shit!" _Where the hell are my keys? _"Shit."

Her keys were in here jacket. Her jacket that was on Maura, because she insisted on wanting to 'look like a badass' in Jane's leather jacket. Her leather jacket where the only pocket that zipped rested on the breastplate. "Shit." After a few moments of hesitation, Jane slowly lowered Maura out of her hold and positioned her so that she was leaning most her weight against the door. Maura stirred, but still seemed pretty out of it. Carefully, Jane reached up to start unzipping the pocket. Unzipping it was the easy part, reaching in for the keys? Whole other story.

Just at the tips of her fingers began to reach in, Maura spoke, "Hey!" Jane froze. "Are you trying to… _cop_ a feel, detective?" She looked at Jane seductively, until she realized, "Hey! I just made a joke!" and she burst out laughing, long enough for Jane to pull the keys out and open the door. _Oh my god!_

Jane didn't know what surprised her more; the fact that she _wanted_ to cop a feel or the fact Maura made a joke.

"Shit," she breathed.

The next morning, Maura awoke to the sound of a toilet flushing. Glancing around at the unfamiliar bedroom she noticed her skirt on the floor, heels near the door, and… "Oh god," she thought as she quickly pulled the covers from her body, "Oh thank god." Relieved that she at least had pants on. But they were unfamiliar basketball shorts (which she screamed internally at the hideous material), and she wore an unfamiliar BPD shirt. "Oh. My. God. Did I sleep with someone in the department?!" she whispered, and was started when she heard a female voice, "Yes, yes you did. And you kick in your sleep." Jane appeared from the bathroom. A look of horror spread across Maura's face, "You mean we, you and I, we, oh my go-," her face reddened.

"Whoa, whoa, NO, no, I mean, yes, we slept together as in passed out on the bed… to sleep, totally platonically slept together, but not, we didn't- you know what I mean!" Jane quickly said with wild hand gestures.

"Oh," is all Maura could muster. She didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed. "Well that's good!" she added, just to be safe.

Jane just laughed nervously and crawled back into bed. "So, I'm thinking we order food, watch movies, and don't leave the bed unless one of us needs to puke. I don't know about you, but I can barely sit up without feeling dizzy, let alone walk or be productive in any way. Getting up to go to the bathroom was enough struggle for one day. Deal?"

"Deal, although I would like to at least brush my teeth first."

"Good idea," she laughs, "Ow! And don't make me laugh, it hurts my head. No more tequila shots. Ever. Never."

They only made through half a movie before falling asleep again. They tried to watch another, but kept talking instead. Talking about anything and everything. It was nice to be able to open up and share so much about one another. It was rare for both of them and although they had only known each other two weeks, the connection between them was palpable.

"I like… this." Maura said after a moment of silence.

"Like what?"

"This," she said, waving a hand gesturing to the two of them, "You. Talking. It's nice. It's nice to have a friend."

The statement made Jane both happy and a little sad.

"I like it too."

Maura smiled, sighed and said the word again, "Friend" As if it was a whole new concept to her.

Well, it kind of was.


	4. Chapter 4

Maura sits on the cold floor of her kitchen, staring blindly at the tortoise positioned near her feet. She doesn't bother with a glass tonight, no, she simply takes long pulls from the wine bottle. Waiting for it to make her cry. Waiting for it to make her mind foggy. Waiting for it to make her forget.

Forget how easy it was. That night at the Robber. Forget the fun. Forget the day after, laying in bed all day. Forget the feeling that Jane gave her. Still gives her. Forget everything that has happened since then. Since _him_.

Hoyt.

He ruined what they started and she hated him for that.

Just a few weeks after the night at the Robber, Jane was involved in a grueling and difficult case, one that went on for over a month. She thought she had a strong lead. Went down in that basement without backup.

It changed everything. _Everything._

Jane withdrew, as expected. It was hard and Maura felt selfish for feeling sorry for herself; she was just so heartbroken at the loss of the closest thing she's had to friendship. The whole situation reminded her why she never got close to people (not living ones anyway). And she was heartbroken for Jane. Heartbroken for what she went through. Heartbroken for how she changed.

Maura tried to be there for Jane after the incident. She really did, she wanted so badly to be there for her and to help her, and she did. Until Jane pushed her away.

* * *

Maura had been to the hospital within minutes of the call. Frost greeted her immediately and then pointed out a horror-struck Korsak, a solemn Frankie, and a distraught Angela. Frost did his best to explain the situation, but neither Jane nor Korsak could get many words out. Maura needed to see her. Physically see and _touch_ her to know that she was alive and here, but the doctors would not let anyone in until Jane was out of surgery.

So she waited.

And waited.

When they finally allowed visitors, she waited longer. She wanted to give Jane's family the privacy of greeting her, wanted to give Korsak a moment to apologize. Even though no one blamed him but himself. When it was finally Maura's turn, Jane had fallen asleep from all the pain meds. Maura just stood in the doorway for a moment, taking in the sight of Jane; hair scattered about the pillow, red and bruising near the upper portion of her face, and her hands. Her poor hands. Bandaged and broken. In pain.

Maura was a little disappointed that Jane wasn't awake, but at the same time, maybe this was easier. Less awkward. Maura pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down. For what seemed like forever, she just sat. Stared. Hesitant. When she finally worked up the nerve, she reached out her right hand and gently held the tips of Jane's fingers in her own, doing her best not to cause any pain. She stayed that way for a while.

A long while.

She had fallen asleep, hand in hand with Jane, head rested on the side of the bed. She would most definitely be sore when she woke up.

A nurse came in to tell Maura that visiting hours were over, but the scene was too precious.

And since Maura was a doctor, she let it slide.

A few hours later, Jane awoke in a panic. After a moment of putting the pieces together, she calmed. New she was safe, no longer in that basement. She looked down at her hands. At a heap of hair, "Maura?" she said, her voice sounding soft and unfamiliar. Clearing her throat she tried again, "Maur?"

Maura jumped, "Jane!" pulling her hand away quickly. "Jane," she said again, calmer this time, 'Hi." She resisted the urge to reach out and touch her cheek.

Jane smiled.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as if it was absurd for Maura to be there.

"I—You-Well, I was here to see you earlier, you know, right after- but your family wanted to see your first and when it was my turn to come in, you were asleep and I just—I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I hope that's alright."

"Of course it is, Maura."

Maura smiled.

"You didn't need to stop you know."

"Stop what?" Maura asked, looking perplexed.

"Holding my fingers. You didn't need to stop." Maura smiled, hesitated, and reached out to hold them again.

There was so much Maura wanted to say. So many questions she wanted to ask. _What did he do to you? _She almost blurted out. She knew the path Jane was about to take, with hand injuries like that, with the memories flooding back in increments; it was going to be painful. Jane was going to be both physically and emotionally _in pain_.

But for now, Maura kept her mouth shut and held on until Jane drifted back to sleep.

For the next week, Maura was at Jane's side as often she could. She stopped by in the morning before work, rushed over on her lunch breaks, and headed to the hospital as soon as an autopsy or labwork was complete. Some nights she even spent the night. It was uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as what Jane was going through. Maura could cope with the sore neck. She could cope for Jane.

On one particular night, after Jane had fallen asleep, Maura had scooted her sofa chair up close, positioned herself in small curl, head rested on the side of the bed, arm stretched out with her hand on Jane's. The usual. But instead of awaking to the gentle pat of a nurse on the shoulder, Maura awoke to Jane screaming.

Nightmares. Flashbacks. It had begun. Maura had been expecting it, but nothing could have prepared her for the look on Jane's face.

The pain.

"Jane," she said softly.

"Stop! Stop, please! Please!"

"Jane," Maura pulled her blanket off and sat on her knees, reaching up to cup Jane's cheek, "Jane, honey, it's okay. It's okay." Jane's face seemed to relax, but she still hadn't wakened completely. "It's okay, it's okay, I'm right here. It's me, it's Maura." At that, Jane's eyes fluttered opened, "Maur?"

"I'm right here Jane," Maura smiled as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind Jane's ear, "You're safe, Jane. You're safe. I'm right here," she continued to stroke Jane's cheek.

"Maura?"

"Yes Jane?"

"Will you lay with me?"

"I—I, there's not really room, Jane."

"Please I—I just, I, I need... I need someone to hold me... Please?" the defeat in her voice broke Maura's heart.

Maura didn't need to respond; she simply shifted her body and snuggled up next to Jane, trying her best to not to hurt her, pulling the blanket up and around them.

"I'm here Jane. I'll always be here," she said as she placed her hand on Jane's heart, feeling the rapid beats.

If only Jane had let her.

After the week in the hospital, once the pain meds stopped flowing through her veins, Jane realized how broken she was. How weak. How needy. How vulnerable. That was not Jane Rizzoli.

She withdrew. She pushed.

She pushed hard.

* * *

Which is why Maura now sat on her kitchen floor with an empty wine bottle. Mentally preparing herself for tomorrow morning. Jane's first day back to work.

Five months. Five months of not seeing Jane. Five months for Jane to recover, go through physical therapy, regular therapy, new trainings, etc. Five months of loneliness. Five months since that week in the hospital. Five months of hurt. Five months of anger. Five months of reaching for another bottle.


	5. Chapter 5

Maura doesn't remember how she got from the kitchen floor to her bedroom. How she got from the front door of her home to the front door of the precinct.

But there she was.

Jane's first day back.

* * *

A "Welcome Back Rizzoli!" banner hung in the bullpen, along with scattered cards, balloons, and stuffed animals. Her fellow officers and teammates all stood around with smiles on their faces.

Most people would enjoy a welcome back celebration; and so would Jane… if she was coming back from maternity leave or a honeymoon or a routine surgery. Not a 'hey, you almost got killed by crazy serial killer and it took you five months to get back on your feet, welcome back!' celebration. No, that didn't really sit well with Jane. She tried to be polite throughout the little 'party,' but she wasn't thrilled about all the attention. The fake niceness. The staring.

The pity. God, it was the worst.

Maura.

She needed to get out of there.

* * *

Maura watched closely as Jane made small talk with the officers, watched her awkwardly try to hide her hands, watched her force a smile, watched her fidget. Watched her actively avoid getting anywhere near her. Watched Jane withdraw from a conversation and head down the hall toward the restroom.

Maura followed.

She stood in front of the door, took a deep breath, exhaled, and pushed the door lightly, "Jane?"

"I'm fine! I just need a minute," Jane yelled from the second stall.

"Just let me help—" she said as she leaned against the sink, arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Maura, please. Just give me a minute!"

Silence. Maura was frustrated. Jane was frustrated.

"I've given you five months, Jane; five _months_. The least you could do is give _me_ a minute," and at that, Jane burst out of the stall.

"Excuse me? Give _you_ a minute? Are you fucking kidding me, Maura? _You_ need a minute? Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?!" she yelled.

"No, Jane, I don't because you won't tell me anything!" she shouted back, "You shut me out, you pushed me away! All I wanted was to—"

"Stop! Just stop. I'm not doing this here."

And she was gone.

The argument was abrupt. It was rushed. It didn't make sense.

It was in the BPD bathroom for christ's sake.

* * *

After a minute to compose herself, Maura exited the bathroom and headed for the elevator. She wasn't wasting anymore time in the bullpen. This wasn't how she pictured Jane's return.

As the elevator doors were about to close, Korsak quickly stuck his arm out and slipped in to join Maura on the ride down, "Hey doc, you alright? Both you and Jane seemed a little shaken up after... whatever went on in there."

"What? Oh-I'm fine, it's just, she's just-I don't know. I don't know. I just wish she would-"

"Let you in?" Maura nodded "I know what you mean, but that's Jane. She's got to deal with all this in her own time; her own way. She's stubborn like that. Don't take it personally; she's been pushing everyone away. Heck, she even requested Frost as her new partner."

"She did? Oh Korsak, I'm so sorry."

"Nah, don't be. I mean, it's a shame, but it's my fault for what happened to her." He said solemnly.

"No," she said firmly, "It is not your fault. No one blames you for what happened to her. You couldn't have known."

He shrugs his shoulders.

The elevator dings and the doors open. "Just give her time," he says as Maura steps out. She turns to respond, but the doors already closed behind her.

"I did."


	6. Chapter 6

Jane was being released from the hospital today.

Maura was a nervous wreck.

It was hard leaving Jane's side that morning after waking up next to her, and she almost didn't, but there were some last minute items she needed to finish up in the morgue before she could have her weekend off with Jane. She requested all calls be directed to Dr. Pike, although she hated the thought of that man going anywhere near her morgue, she hated the thought of Jane waking up alone more.

Jane understood, that was the beauty of both working in law enforcement, they just _got_ it. There was no need for explanation. But even so, Maura apologized, kissed Jane gently on the forehead, and promised she would be back before they checked her out. "See you at 4:00p.m. Jane," she waved and Jane smiled.

And she cried.

Because she knew.

She knew Maura would be there at exactly 4:00p.m. She knew Maura wasn't going to leave her side all weekend. She knew Maura was going to try and take care of her. She knew Maura was willing to do anything Jane asked. Anything.

And that scared her. She couldn't do that to Maura. She couldn't let Maura become the comforter _and_ the protector.

No, it was too much. And she knew, she knew she was going to hurt Maura, but she couldn't stop herself. This was her. This was Jane Rizzoli's way of coping. Of dealing. Of not getting attached to anyone or anything because she knew it could be gone in an instant.

She could be gone.

* * *

And she was.

When Maura returned to the hospital it was 4:03 p.m, she was gone. She rushed into Jane's room, short of breath, "Sorry I'm la-" she froze. "Jane?" She looked around the empty hospital room. Bed made. Sofa chair returned back to the hall. Monitors off. She checked her watch, 4:04 p.m. She wasn't even late, not really. Maura was her ride home. Where was she?

The nurse must have read the panic, the confusion on her face. The same nurse that let Maura stay past visiting hours. The same nurse that woke Maura gently each morning. She came over and put a hand on Maura's shoulder, Maura jumped, "Sorry Dr. Isles, didn't mean to startle you," she said quickly, "Jane left about an hour ago. Requested to get out early."

"She _requested_?"

"Yes, she said she was ready to get out. Get back to normal."

_Ouch_.

"Who?" was all she managed to say.

"Her mother, Angela, signed her out and drove her home. Said she would take care of her baby girl."

"Oh. Well, yes, I guess that makes sense that she would want her family with her," she turned to leave, "Thank you."

"Dr. Isles?" the nurse could read the hurt on Maura's face.

Maura paused, turned to her, "Yes?"

"I think she feels the same way."

"Pardon?"

"I think she feels the same way. About you. I've seen a lot of patients and their families come in and out of this hospital every day, and usually, when they've been told that the patient is going to make it, everything's going to be fine, they go home, sleep, eat, change clothes, and come back. But you, as a doctor, even though you _knew_ she was going to be okay, you were still here every night. Every. single. night. Holding her hand. Holding _her_. Like you were keeping her from coming undone. When I came in the room this morning and saw the two of you embraced like that? It was... it was beautiful." Maura could feel her eyes start to burn with tears. "I think she's scared. I think she's scared at what this might mean-"

Maura just stared at her, confused, _isn't that what friends did for each other?, _she wanted to ask, but instead, forced a small smile.

"Thank you."

And she was out the door. In her car. On her way.

To Jane.

* * *

It was 5:36 p.m. when Maura pulled up to Jane's apartment. She would have gotten there sooner, but she had a few stops to make along the way.

She was at Jane's door, two reusable bags in one hand, chinese takeout in the other. With some rearranging, she was finally able to knock on the door.

Silence.

Maura was surprised to not even hear Angela's voice, that woman never stopped talking, especially when taking care of one of her 'babies.'

After a moment with no response, she knocked again, "Jane? Jane, it's me,"

A few moments later, after she heard the click of the bolt, and a few minutes of wiggling with the handle, Jane opened the door.

"Maura. What are you doing here?"

"What?" a little thrown off by the greeting, "What do you mean 'what am I doing here?' I'm here to stay with you, Jane, remember? I took work off this weekend, I brought your favorite movies, and these special heated gloves to help with your hands, and I brought chinese food," she smiled, "What are _you_ doing here? I was supposed to drive you back, but when I got to the hospital you were- wait, where is your mother? You shouldn't be here alone yet, Jane, you should have someone with you to hel-"

"No, I don't need any help Maura, I can take care of myself. I sent my mother off an hour ago. I don't need her to babysit me and I certainly don't need you to do it either."

_Ouch. _Maura tried to push the comment aside, _she's just upset. She's frustrated and her pain meds are probably making her irritable. _She took a deep breath.

"You really shouldn't be here alone," she said as she moved passed Jane to set down the bags and the food, "Not with your hands, it will be very difficult at first to-"

"God, Maura, I know! You don't think I know how difficult it is? Please, just, take your stuff and... go. Please. I just want to be alone."

"Jane, I just want to-"

"To what, Maura? Huh? Watch me struggle to dress myself? Watch me struggle to use the remote? Huh, does that sound fun to you? Christ, it took me five goddamn minutes just to open my fucking front door!"

"Jane," she said as she reached for one of Jane's hand, but Jane quickly jerked away.

"No, don't. Please just go!"

"But Ja-"

"Go!" she yelled.

Maura stood there a moment. In shock. What had she done wrong? She only wanted to help. She wanted to stay. She wanted to be her friend. But Jane's eyes told her otherwise. So she turned, and stepped out of the door frame. As she turned around again to say something, the door slammed her face.

_Ouch_.

* * *

Maybe that's when it started, Maura thought to herself as she poured herself another drink.

"Welcome back, Rizzoli." she raised her glass to her empty bedroom.

This was going to be a long week.


	7. Chapter 7

_Maybe that's when it started, Maura thought to herself as she poured herself another drink._

_"Welcome back, Rizzoli." she raised her glass to her empty bedroom._

_This was going to be a loooong week._

* * *

And it was.

After their little altercation in the bathroom they had spoken very little to one another and only saw each other when the case required it. If it was necessary to go to the morgue, Jane usually made Frost go.

It hurt. The rejection. It reminded Maura of her youth. Being made fun of in school for being smart. For being different. Why that was reason to tease someone, she would never understand. She had felt so alone during that time in her life and it was a feeling Maura never wanted to experience again, and she certainly didn't expect to feel it now. Especially not here.

Jane's first week back had been hard on both of them. Maura felt rejected. Jane was upset and frustrated, not at Maura, no, not necessarily, but that's who she took it out on. And she hated herself for it. The tension between them was unbearable and it was affecting both of their work. Jane couldn't concentrate and Maura's Y incision wasn't as straight.

Maura wanted to apologize, even though she knew it wasn't her fault, she just wanted Jane back. She wanted her _friend_ back. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. Every time her and Jane were in a room together, Jane spat some sarcastic remark or glared at her or... did everything but smile or laugh or anything a friend should do. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe Maura didn't really understand what friends did. Clearly, she had been wrong before; she thought staying every night at the hospital was what friends did. She thought showing up with favorite movies and chinese food was what friends did. She thought wanting to help each other was what friends did. She thought friends opened up to one another. She thought friends apologized and moved on. She assumed she thought wrong. So, instead of apologizing, she adjusted. And coped the only way she knew how.

By the end of the week they were both miserable. Each in their own ways.

Jane had always loved coming to work; to catch the bad guys, bring justice to victims, spend time with Maura. And even when it got tough, she still had Maura. Until Hoyt.

Maura had always loved coming to work; her knowledge was welcomed, she spoke for the dead, she got to see Jane. Until Hoyt.

That bastard.

* * *

As stubborn as she was, she knew she was being unfair. Jane needed to apologize... _maybe_. At the very least she just wanted to talk to Maura, get back to where they used to be. Be back to when it was almost _fun _to come to work.

Tonight, she decided. Tonight would be the night. They would move on.

* * *

A little after 7:00 pm, Jane pulled up to Maura's driveway. Six-pack in one hand, bottle of wine in the other. Jane didn't really know what she hoped would happen tonight, heck she didn't even know if Maura was home, let alone willing to spend the evening with her. Jane hoped they could order food, drink, watch the game... or the history channel. She just needed another body in the room.

She took a deep breath and knocked.

Waited.

The lights were on, she could hear faint music in the background, she knew Maura was home. She knocked again, "Maura?"

She heard footsteps... the bolt of the door unlock... and Maura appeared... in nothing but a silk robe and a drink in her hand.

"Jane?" she said, in shock.

"Hi-Hey-"

Maura cut her off, "Why are you here?"

"Um, well, I was hoping we could just... you know... hang out? Watch a movie or something?"

Maura just stared at her blankly.

"Um-oh! I brought wine," she held up the bottle to Maura, "But uh, it looks like you've already started," she tried to laugh. It came out awkward. "So, uh, can I come in, or...?"

Maura just moved aside, mentally panicking at what Jane was about to see, but too drunk to give a damn.

Jane stepped passed Maura and went to put her things down on the counter, when she stopped dead in her tracks and looked around as Maura shut the door.

"Jesus Christ, Maura! Did you just have a dinner party or something," she looked around the kitchen island and living room, bottles scattered everywhere. Empty bottles. "It's not like you to leave stuff out like that. You're always so, so _clean_," she smiled, but it soon faded as she looked at Maura more closely. Pupils wide. Face and chest flushed. A little off balance.

"Maura?" she paused, "Maura, please... _please_ tell me you did not drink all of these by yourself."

"You know I can't lie Jane."

"Maura. Maura are you serious?!" she put down the beer and wine bottle, stepped closer to Maura and placed her hands on each shoulder, "Look at me, that's a lot of alcohol, _a lot_. You of all people know how dangerous that is, Maur! What the hell were you thinking?!" and at that, Maura pushed Jane's hands away from her. She snapped.

"NO! Don't you dare, Jane," she pointed at her, drink spilling in the other hand, "You don't, you don't get to come in here and tell me what to do. I am an adult, Jane. I'll drink what I want. As much as I want. I don't need you to...to... oh what's the word you used, oh right, yes, I don't need _you _to _babysit _me!"

"Maura, I'm not try-"

"Don't! I don't want to hear it, Jane! What did you expect when you came over here, huh?" she said as she flailed her arms, spilling her drink, "Did ya think everything was going to be fine between us? Huh? You waltz in here expecting I'm just gonna forget everything? Forget how you pushed me away? Slammed a door in my face? You slammed a door. in. my. face. Jane. Jesus Christ! And to do that after I spent the night holding you in a hospital bed while you slept? Soothing you after a nightmare?! You pushed me away and you yelled at me. at work! in the god damn bathroom Jane! And you... you come in here, to _my_ home, and you want to tell me what to do?" she's out of breath, but continues "and you don't even apologize? You don't even try! That should have been the first thing out of your mouth Jane, not 'You wanna watch a movie?' A _fucking_ movie?" her throat dry, burning, she picked up a bottle and poured more into her glass.

"Maura, please. Calm down, please. We both made mistakes-"

"Mistake? You call that a mistake? A _mistake _is an action caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge! A _mistake_ is making a wrong turn, writing the the wrong answer on a test. A _mistake_ is when you... when _YOU," _pointing at her accusingly, "leave for five months. Five months! I came to your house everyday for four weeks knocking on your goddamn door, begging you, jane, i was _begging_ you like a dog, a fucking dog, to just let me in! I called and I texted everyday and you ignored me! _That's_ a mistake Jane! What I did was not a mistake, I just wanted to help-"

"I didn't need your help! Goddammit Maura! You have no idea what I went through, you have no idea what this feels like! You have no idea-"

"EXACTLY JANE! I _DON'T_ KNOW! I have no idea what it feels like! And why is that? Oh, let's see, because _you_ won't let me in! You won't talk to me, you won't tell me what you're feeling! You haven't even given me a chance to understand! How else am I supposed to know, huh? when you're not even making an effort? Do you need to show me? Is that what it's gonna take? Then go on, grab a couple of scalpels and stab 'em through my palms too, Jane, if that's the only way to help me _fucking_ understand what you're _feeling_, then go, go! Do it!"

The words came fast. Too fast. Words that should have never came in the first place.

Silence.

Shock.

Jane stared, unbelievably, she just stared.

"Wait. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't mean that. I didn't, I didn't mean to say that!" Maura panicked as Jane headed towards the door, she reached out to grab her, "Jane wait, please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't-"

SLAM.

"Jane!"

Maura ran after her, down the driveway, her robe opened, revealing her lingerie set, but she was too drunk too worried too angry at herself to even notice, "Jane! Wait! Please I'm so sorry- I- I didn't mean it-"

SLAM.

Ignite. Reverse. Accelerate.

Gone.

Three doors slammed in her face. A familiar scenario. Only this time...

She felt she deserved it.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank god it was Saturday.

Thank god Jane Rizzoli stuck to her traditions, even when everything else in her life was shit.

Thank god Maura knows Jane so well. _Too_ well.

* * *

On any given Saturday, one could find Jane Rizzoli tucked away in a corner booth at her favorite hole-in-the-wall breakfast joint. Something about greasy, artery-clogging, syrup covered _anything _did a great job of making her forget. Clear her mind. Focus on nothing but the food in front of her. She's never told anyone about this place, and at this moment, she was extremely grateful for that.

She sat there, drinking coffee, trying to get the food down. As good as the bacon smelled, she just couldn't do it. Her mind was racing a mile a minute; the scenario from last night playing over and over again. She had never seen Maura so angry before. So hurt. So _drunk._

And what she said.

Ugh, what she said. It hurt. She was mad. She was angry.

"Jane." Jane didn't respond, she was lost in her thoughts.

"Jane?" the voice said again and Jane finally looked up.

"Maura?-"

"Wait, please, before you tell me to leave, before you tell me you never want to see me again, just please, _please_ hear me out. I need... I need to apologize." After Jane said nothing, Maura took the opportunity to sit down across from her. "I am so sorry for what happened last night, I had no right to say what I said, I was just so, so angry, Jane. I've _missed_ you, and although I don't expect you tell me everything or open up about every detail of your life, I just wish you'd let me be there for you. I just wanted to _be_ there. I told you that night in the hospital that I would always be here for you and I meant it." she took a breath, "I'm so sorry. I just really miss you. I miss… I miss having a _friend, _Jane_._" She said quietly, looking down at her hands.

And there it was, it hit Jane like a ton of bricks. _Shit_. Maura wasn't being selfish, she was being completely _selfless_; all she wanted was to be Jane's friend, to be there for her. The only real friendship Maura had ever had and Jane took it away from her. Jane was the one being selfish. Jane couldn't handle anyone seeing her so weak and broken, so she pushed. She didn't care how it would impact anyone else. She thought it would be for the best, but now, no one was happy and she had hurt the most important person in her life.

After Jane said nothing, appearing lost in her thoughts again, Maura got nervous. She began to slide out of the booth, preparing herself for a drive home in tears.

"Wait," Maura froze and hesitantly looked at Jane, "stay, please stay."

Maura smiled.

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right, about everything. There's no way you could have had any way of knowing what I was going through or how I was feeling, and although you could have said it a little… nicer..."

"Jane, I'm sorry—"

"No, please let me finish. I'm sorry for how I treated you, I shouldn't have left you in the dark, I shouldn't have pushed you away, it, I, I was just so scared. And angry. So, so defeated and I didn't want anyone to see me like that and you did and you didn't judge me, you just held me, and it was wonderful, but it scared me, Maura, it really did. I didn't like that you saw me so weak and so vulnerable. That's not who I am. But you stood by me and held me and I pushed you. I was selfish," she sighed, defeated, "I'm sorry," after a long pause, "Can we try to be friends again?"

Maura had tears in her eyes, she smiled, "If you let me, of course."

They each just looked at each other for a few moments. Neither one really knowing what to say. It was weird to all of a sudden be speaking to one another, not avoiding, not yelling, not shouting in a bathroom.

Jane spoke first, "How did you find me here?"

"You told me." Maura said as if it was the most obvious question she'd ever been asked.

Jane stared, confused, trying to remember if she ever took Maura here? _No? What the hell?_

"Remember? After that night at the Robber? When we spent the next day doing absolutely nothing? When we woke up on Saturday morning you said how strange it felt to not be stuffing your face with bacon at Al's diner. I tried to get you to take me, but you said it would be rude if we ended up, how did you put it, 'puking our brains out' over breakfast."

They laughed. God did it feel good.

"You're right, I did say that." She said as she finally was able to eat some of her food, "Bacon?" she offered. Maura made a face at the crispy strip dosed with what looked like maple syrup, "Oh, come on, it won't kill you!"

"Actually, -"

"No, no, I don't want to hear it. Just let my arteries clog in peace, thank you very much," she joked, "Hey, what are you doing the rest of the day?"

"No plans, I was probably going to catch up on some reading, yoga maybe?"

"Well," Jane said as she swirled her coffee, "How about we do absolutely nothing? Stay in bed all day and watch movies? Talk? Like we did so long ago?"

Maura smiled.

"Sounds perfect. Your place or mine?"


	9. Chapter 9

A few too many pieces of bacon later, they decided on Maura's place. Jane's apartment would have been more logical; a quick block or so down the road from the breakfast joint, but Jane was so stuffed she could barely move. She was lucky just to make it to Maura's car.

Had Maura not been preoccupied with the happiness she felt of being able to talk to Jane again, she would have remembered that her house was a mess. After Jane had left last night she, of course, emptied a few more bottles and by the end for the night, well, technically morning, she was too drunk to even try to do anything about it.

_Shit. _The realization hit her just as she was unlocking the front door, Jane just a step behind. "You know what," she said as turned toward Jane, "Can you wait out here for a moment?" Jane looked at her confused, "It's just, I haven't had time to clean up and I'd hate for you, or anyone to see my home in such a mess."

"Oh come on Maura, you've seen my place at its worst. You know I don't care," she said as she moved forward, but was stopped with a gentle hand to her chest, "Please, Jane? It will be quick, I promise."

Jane rolled her eyes and sighed, "Ugh, fine." Maura smiled gratefully and rushed in to her home, picking up discarded clothing, empty bottles, and popped corks. She pulled a paper grocery bag from her pantry and piled the bottles into it, the sound of the bottles clinking echoed throughout the house - outside of it too. She stuffed the full bag back into the pantry and grabbed an almost empty cocktail glass from the counter; she looked at it briefly, and then glanced to the sink. _I should just pour it out. Just pour it out Maura, you don't need it, _she thought to herself, _you. don't. need. it. _She downed the straight vodka and gasped at the burn before placing the empty glass in the dishwasher. _Shit. _After a final glance over her kitchen and living room, she took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Sorry about that, Jane. I'm ready now," she smiled as Jane walked past her into the entryway. Jane moved her way over to the couch and collapsed. Maura followed, "Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"No, I'm good. It's gonna take me a while to move... or eat anything ever again," she laughed as Maura took a seat besides her.

A moment passed in comfortable silence.

"So, you wanna talk about it?" Jane questioned.

Maura hesitated. "Talk about what, exactly?"

"I think you know, Maur. There's a reason I became a detective"

Maura froze. "I-I'm not sure I follow."

Jane shot her a classic "really?" look, "Maura. The clanking of bottles? Come on, I was here last night, remember? I saw what your place looked like," she paused, "and I can smell the vodka on your breath."

_Shit. Shit. Shit!_ Maura just stared. "What? Oh, um, well the smell is probably just from the bottles," _hives _"Uh, and about last night, it was just a one time thing, I was just so upset and so I poured a drink and then two and then- you know, really it's fine. I'm fine, it's nothing really serious or any-" _hives. Hives. Hives._

"_Maura_." Jane pointed to her the delicate skin that was now covered in a light shade of deep pink, almost red.

Maura instinctively reached up to her neck and rubbed at her collarbone. "I'm sorry, Jane. It's just that, it's just- I don't know. I don't know when it started. Before, before I used to do it to just loosen up a bit, make it a little easier for me in social settings- it's not like I needed a courage boost or anything, I just, it was easier to look like I was _normal- _kept me from spewing so much 'google talk.' It was fine. It was fun, like the night at the Robber, it was just socializing," after Jane said nothing, she continued, "And then, well, it turned in to something more... more of a, a problem I guess. After, well- I don't want you to be upset,"

"I'm not going to be upset Maura, just tell me. Please?"

Maura sighed, "After you- after the hospital, I just- I didn't- I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle the rejection from you so I had a few drinks. I didn't want to feel anymore, Jane. Or, I wanted to feel something else, some other emotion. I was so-so hurt and alone and confused and I didn't know how to process everything and I had no one to talk to and it just sort of happened. It became this crutch, this- coping mechanism, which I know is so wrong and so unhealthy, but I didn't know what else-" she fought back tears "I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. Please, I don't blame you, so please don't blame yourself. I'm trying." _hives_ "I _will_ try to stop, it's just hard," after a long pause, "I'm sorry."

Jane reached out and placed a hand on Maura's knee, "I'm here for you, you know. I'm sorry- and don't try to tell me not to apologize - I really am sorry that I was in some way a part of the reason for this, but I'm here. I will help you if you want me too, okay? No judgments."

Maura smiled and a few fresh tears slipped from her eyes. "Thank you, Jane." Jane reached up wiped the wetness from Maura's cheeks. Maura leaned into the touch; she felt the bulge of the scar tissue against her skin and realized she had yet to really see Jane's hands after the healing. She almost grabbed the hand to inspect it, but knew Jane would show her eventually. Maura could wait. The two of them held that position for a few more moments, just looking at each other with smiling eyes.

"So, how 'bout that movie?" Jane said to lighten the mood as she flipped on the TV.

* * *

Two and a half movies later, although neither of the women could tell you what happened in those films as they were too busy catching up on five months of conversation, Jane found herself lying down, head in Maura's lap. It was comfortable. It felt natural.

As the end credits started to scroll on the screen, Maura continued to stroke her fingers delicately through Jane's dark waves. It was soothing, for both of them. They sat for a few moments longer, enjoying the comfortable silence, until Jane spoke, "I haven't slept through the night since I've been out of the hospital," she said, almost in a whisper, "I have these horrible nightmares."

Maura remembers. She remembers Jane waking up in a panic at the hospital. She remembers holding her through the night; hand on her heart.

"Do you think I could, maybe stay-"

"Of course, Jane," Maura interrupted "I would love to have you stay tonight." Maura said as she continued to run her hands through Jane's hair, "I'm here. No judgments."

She felt Jane's smile on her lap.

"Thank you."


	10. Chapter 10

Somewhere between stroking Jane's hair and her quiet confession, the two ended up falling asleep on the couch.

When Maura awoke, she was still in her cross-legged position, body bent over to the side with her head resting on the throw pillow, her hand still lost in Jane's curls. She took moment to take in the sight; the soft glow of the DVD home-screen reflecting gently off of Jane's face. She looked calm. Peaceful. Jane's head still lay in Maura's lap, right hand holding on to Maura's knee. She wanted to wake her up, move them to the comfort of her bed, but she couldn't do it. She might have a kink in her neck in the morning, but letting Jane sleep through the night would be worth it. Instead, she pulled two blankets off the back of the couch and draped one around Jane, one around herself, and clicked off the TV.

Before settling down into her previous position, she picked up Jane's hand, intertwined their fingers and placed them back down over her knee. "I'm here," she whispered as she gave Jane's hands a quick squeeze, "I'm here."

It was the first night in just over five months that Jane slept the entire night through with no nightmares and the first night Maura had fallen asleep without the lull of a drink.

That had to count for something, right?

* * *

Jane was the first to wake up the next morning. At first she was a little confused, but quickly took in her surroundings, smiled at the two hands resting together on her knee. To the best of her ability, without moving too much, she peaked her head up from Maura's lap and looked at her, she couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked with her hair sprawled out over the edge of the couch, the way the sunlight crept through the blinds and onto her face. After a moment, Jane sat up completely; she instantly felt the kink in her neck, "ouch," she whispered as she rolled her head.

"Ah," Jane jumped when she heard Maura's tiny gasp.

"Shit you scared me, Maur!"

Maura smiled, "Sorry, Jane, I didn't mean to startle you, it's just my leg, after spending the entire night like that, it seems to be a bit numb from you laying on it," she said as she sat up to face Jane.

"Sorry about that, you know you could have woken me up, we could have moved," Jane said as she stretched her arms above her head.

"I know, but I wanted to let you sleep." She said as a giant yawn escaped her lips.

"You know, it's still pretty early," Jane said as she glanced down at her watch, which read 6:02 am, "we could sleep a few more hours and still be up way too early for a Sunday."

Maura was about to protest, but she couldn't fight back another yawn. Jane pulled her up off the sofa and headed towards Maura's bedroom. Once they were settled under the covers, they turned to face each other. Both were smiling.

"Thank you. Thank you for letting me sleep. It was the first night, in a long time, that I didn't wake in a sweat from a nightmare, so thank you."

"You're welcome, Jane. I'm glad I could help," she reached out for one of Jane's hands, "May I?" Jane nodded her approval. Maura took hold of her hand, inspecting it, rubbing her thumb gently over the scar, "They're healing nicely. Do they still hurt?"

Jane flinched at first; she hadn't let anyone touch them since the hospital, but Maura was gentle, "Sometimes. When it's cold, especially, or if I work them too much without massaging them, but they're getting better. They're just so… so ugly," Maura waited for her to continue. "An ugly, constant reminder of everything that has happened," she sighed, tears threatening to break free, "an ugly, constant reminder of _him_."

And at that, Maura sat up, pulling Jane with her so that they were sitting knee to knee, facing one another, she took both of Jane's hands in her own, and looked her straight in the eye, "I know when you look at these you see weakness and defeat, and that... that _monster_, but when I look at your hands Jane, I see _strength_. You are not defeated and you certainly are not weak. Look at where you are, everything you've done, everything you've overcome. You're amazing, Jane, and incredibly brave." Tears ran down Jane's cheeks. "If I could erase that memory, that pain, you know I would. But what I can do is give you a new memory," she said as she raised Jane's left hand to her mouth and placed a soft, warm kiss on her palm, and then the backside, followed by a single, lingering kiss on each finger tip. Jane failed to hold back a whimper. Maura repeated the action on her other hand before gently placing her hands back down, "When you look at your hands, think of me," she smiled, "Think of this moment."

For a moment, Jane just stared at her and Maura worried she may have gone too far, "Jane?"

Jane let out a sob and flung herself toward Maura, embracing her in a hug. She couldn't manage to get any words out, but that was okay; Maura knew. Maura positioned them back under the covers and held onto Jane tightly, much like that night in the hospital, she placed her hand on Jane's heart and whispered, "I'm here," and gently kissed the top of Jane's head.

* * *

The weekend had been good for them, really good, and although they each had a lot of healing left to do individually, they were certainly making progress. They ended up making their 'weekend-of-nothing' a weekly routine. Jane would spend the night on Friday's, they would wake up, go to Al's and spend the day relaxing; doing anything as long as they were doing it together. It was a constant they could both rely on; it was therapeutic.

Going to work was enjoyable again, grueling, but enjoyable. They each found themselves coming up with excuses to visit the morgue or visit the bullpen; any reason to see each other. Jane couldn't believe how stupid she had been to shut Maura out; it was so much easier to have her to talk to. She loved that Maura didn't push her; she just let Jane take her time and open up as she needed to. And the sleep! God, she missed out on five months of sleep! Her sleepovers at Maura's became more frequent and not just a Friday night thing. She felt bad 'using' Maura in that way, but it just felt _so _good to sleep through the night and to wake up in Maura's embrace... nightmare free. She still had a few of them when she slept on her own, but they weren't nearly as vivid as they used to be. When she wasn't at Maura's, she would call her as she lay in bed, just to hear voice. It was soothing and Maura somehow knew exactly what to say. Sometimes they would talk, sometimes Maura just whispered, "I'm here, Jane," and other times they would just listen to each other breathing. On more than one occasion they had woken up with the phone still on, which hurt both their phone bills, but it was worth it.

Maura's drinking started to improve, although she did slip on a few occasions, it was getting better. For the most part, having Jane back in her life seemed to reduce the need, but some nights, when the line between work, friendship, and relationship blurred, she would pop open a bottle of wine. She felt guilty, but it was hard to stop completely. She didn't know how to process the mixed feelings, the blur.

Months flew by, their friendship, _or was it something more_, continued to grow; to strengthen. Cases were solved, bits of themselves were shared with only each other, and life went on. They were content, happy even.

Until...

No, not again.

Not after all their progress.

He was back.

Hoyt.


	11. Chapter 11

The moment the connection was made that the new murder case might be connected to Hoyt, everything started to crumble.

It was hard for Jane and it was hard for Maura. The two didn't see much of one another during that week, outside of work anyway. Jane was still hesitant to open up completely about what she was feeling with his return, so she pulled back a little; she didn't want to think about it, think about _him_. She knew it hurt Maura, she knew that pulling away was the exact reason they had been so miserable those five months, but something about him being back and in the present and in the _precinct_ for Christ's sake, made her build up her walls again.

But then that bastard had the audacity to go after Maura, _her_ Maura; to use words and theory to get into her mind and mess with her.

The walls came down.

* * *

Jane knew it was a bad idea to let Maura do the questioning, Jane didn't want Hoyt anywhere near her, but Maura was persistent. Maura insisted on helping, insisted on being the one to question him, to study his emotions. Maura was trying to protect Jane just as much as Jane was trying to protect her. But what happened in the room, Maura was unprepared for. She knew that Hoyt had planned to kill Jane, but it was still hard hearing the confession from his mouth, and although it was hard to hear, that's not what got her; she knew Jane was still protected from him, she still had Jane, and Hoyt was still in custody, he couldn't get to her, not really. It's what he said after that made her heart stop.

_"Because you're like me."_

For someone who analyzes everything, that sentence from Hoyt's mouth to her ears, was not a good one. His words played over and over again in her brain, taunting her, making her question everything about herself. She didn't want to be like him; he caused Jane pain, caused her nightmares, made her fearful, made her feel weak. If that's what being like Hoyt meant, Maura didn't want it. Being the cause of Jane's pain was worse than not having her at all.

So she fled. As soon as the questioning was over she told Frost she wasn't feeling well. Before he could say anything more, she was gone.

* * *

Jane was pacing around the bullpen the entire time Maura was in the room with Hoyt. She was fidgeting, biting her nails, and rubbing her scars. She had to remind herself to think of Maura when she looked at them, and not that monster. She wished she had Maura with her right now, to calm her, to kiss her hands, to kiss...

"Jane!" Frost's voice broke her thoughts away from the daydream. "Questioning is over, you wanna watch the footage?"

"Where's Maura?" she said in almost a panic.

"Said she wasn't feeling well, rushed out of here right after the intervi-"

"What?! What did he say? Did he touch her?!"

"He didn't touch her, Jane, she's fine, Jane. Just come watch the footage, there might be something." Against her better judgment to flee, she followed Frost into the tech room, Hoyt's face plastered over every screen.

Chills crept up over her skin. Frost pressed play. She fought the urge to vomit.

"_Don't worry, doc, I'm not going to kill you. Rape you, maybe, but not kill you."_

"Jesus Christ, Frost, you think she's okay after that? No wonder she ran out of here feeling sick! God dammit!" She turned to leave when Hoyt's voice carried over the room again...

_"Because you're like me."_

She couldn't fight the urge this time; she vomited on the floor.

"I need to find Maura."

* * *

She doesn't remember pushing Korsak on her way out. She doesn't remember getting in her car. She doesn't remember driving. All she can hear is those words playing over and over again. The thought of that monster laying a finger on Maura was reason enough to want to kill him, but to tell her she was like him?

She pulled up into Maura's driveway and ran to the door, bracing herself for what she might find. Maura had began to make progress over the last few months with her drinking, but something like this? God, Jane didn't even want to know. She found the spare key hidden in its usual spot and let herself in, listening for any sound, "Maura?" She saw the familiar brown paper bag, an empty glass. She stepped further into the house, searching, "Maura?" she felt the panic in heart. She stepped into the master bedroom and saw light creeping under the door to the bathroom. _God, please let her be okay. _She pushed open the door and found Maura sitting fully clothed in her empty, giant, freestanding clawfoot tub. Bottle in hand, tears in her eyes, pain on her face. Without saying anything, Jane removed her shoes, stepped into the tub and sat cross-legged across from Maura. "Maura?" she placed a hand on her knee, "Talk to me."

Silence.

Jane waited patiently for her to speak. "I don't want to be like him." She finally says, no louder than a whisper.

"Maur," Jane reaches her hand our and cups the right side of Maura's face, "Maur, come on, look at me," Maura's eyes remained closed as she shook her head, "You are nothing like him, _nothing, _you hear me?" Maura kept her head down.

"But I am Jane," she sounded defeated, "I cause you pain, I can see it in your face when you look at me. I make you wo-," she hiccups "-worry about me, worrying about when I'll slip and fall off the deep end, drink too much and do something stupid. I mean, look at me, Jane! What am I doing?"

"I worry about you because I care about you, and yes, it is painful, it's so painful to see you do this to yourself, but it's not the same kind of pain, Maura. And when you drink, it makes me worry that I'll lose you."

Silence.

"Please, Maura, just look at me. Tell me what's going on. I won't judge you. I know you. I know you have a reason for everything, you are smart, and I know, deep down you know it's not true, you know you are nothing like him and you know that _this," _pulling the glass out of Maura's hand, "_this _is not you, _this_ is a poor decision, but I know you have a good reason behind it. There's something in that brain of yours that makes this make sense to you," a few tears slip from Maura's eyes and Jane instinctively uses her other hand to wipe them away gently, "Please Maur, I'm here. I'll help you get through this. I'll always be here for you—"

"No! You don't know that!" Maura shouts, finally looking up and into Jane's eyes. Jane has never seen anything so heartbreaking as a red eyed, tear filled Maura. "That's just it, Jane. You don't know if you'll always be here. I don't know you'll always be here. Hoyt, he, he wants to kill you-what if he-what if- I can't. I can't—I just, I can't be without you, Jane! I've never relied on anyone as much as I do you. You're my best friend, the best friend, the _only_ friend I've ever had and you risk your life everyday, and for good reason and I support you because I know how important it is to you, but I'm terri-fied. I am, I am so scared to lose you. I couldn't cope with that. I can't be without you I can'-" She wants to continue, but a sob overcomes her and she can no longer get the words out through her gasps. "Jane, I can't."

Jane just grabs her and holds her tight as she leans back against the cold tub, lets the tears slide down her neck, lets the hands grip into her side and back, let's the hot breath tickle her senses, and lets the trembling body shake against her. She does nothing but hold on and wait for the sobs to slow down, rubbing slow, calming hands over the doctor.

"Maura, honey, you know I won't tell you it's gonna be okay when I don't know that it will, but I can promise you that no matter what, as long as I'm here I will always be here, _for you_. You told me, that night in the hospital that you'd always be here. Well, I'll always be here _for you_, Maur. This isn't a one-way street, you are just as important to me as I am to you. I'll help you get through this, just like you'll help me get through this case. I'd crumble without you too, Maura. You are my best friend and I—"

"And that's the problem, Jane! We are friends. Best friends. But we are also coworkers and you and I both know we are so much more than friends, Jane. Hoyt knows. He _knows_." Jane looked at her, confused. "He said he would ra-rape me and kill you, he'd make you watch. He only kills in couples Jane, that's always been his MO." she paused, letting the fact sink in for Jane, "The way you look at, the way my heart feels-and you know I don't listen to my organs Jane-but my heart, my body when I'm with you, it _speaks_ to me and I just, I can't, I don't know how to cope with that, I don't know where to place you. You fit in the work compartment and you fit in the home compartment and you fit in the friend compartment and every compartment, and I don't know how to deal with that. You fill so many parts of me and I just—" she shakes her head and fresh tears emerge. Jane repositioned herself so she could look at Maura again. Maura looks into her eyes without hesitation this time.

"Maybe I don't fit into _any_ of those compartments, Maur. You're trying to place me in one, but maybe we are our own compartment. You and me. Me and you. _Together_. We fit together, we aren't the same without each other; we won't survive this without each other. Put me in a new compartment, Maura. Put _us _in the compartment. You and me, we just _fit_."

Maura was at a complete loss for words, so instead of speaking, she repositioned herself so that she straddled Jane's hips and leaned closer, placing both hands delicately on the sides of Jane's face and stared deeply into her eyes, studying her, trying to find the fault, the hesitation, but there was none. Jane reached up and tucked a loose hair behind Maura's ear and then placed her hand over Maura's heart like Maura had done to her so many times before and whispered, "I'm here, too." Jane leaned forward, closing the gap and placed a soft, loving kiss on Maura's lips before pulling back slightly.

Maura gasped, "We fit."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:** I am so sorry for becoming one of those author's who doesn't update for five months! Writer's block is a bitch for a first-time fic writer. Or any writer. I've made some changes to previous chapters (minor edits, date changes, etc), and have re-uploaded all chapters if any of you feel like rereading. Especially since it's been so long on the update. Thanks for sticking with me :) Oh, and this chapter is a little **M-rated**.

* * *

The kiss was electric. It took them both by surprise; neither had experienced anything quite like it. It started simple, slow, sweet, but it quickly turned exploratory, fast, desperate.

Maura positioned herself more firmly against Jane, deepening the kiss and allowing Jane to slip her tongue into her mouth – she didn't even try to hide the moan that escaped her at the feeling of Jane's tongue against her own. Encouraged, Jane slipped her hand down to Maura's ass and firmly squeezed. The bold moved caused Maura to involuntarily rock her hips against the detective. Another squeeze. Another moan. Another thrust.

"Oh, _god_, Jane…" Maura's hand found its way to Jane's hair, intertwined in her curls, gently pulling, the other gripped the edge of the tub behind Jane's back, strengthening her thrust. Maura tilted her head to the side to allow Jane to explore her earlobe, nip down her throat, suck at a painfully slow pace on her pulse point. The only noise she could manage was a quick inhale of breath and a shaky exhale.

Maura's voice was pure lust and it kicked Jane into full gear. Jane turned animalistic, fueled by the noises, the movements Maura was making above her. Jane had never been more aroused in all her life. There was a heat radiating through her, more powerful than anything she had ever experienced.

It was erotic. It was beautiful. It was terrifying.

After another squeeze and firm suck on Maura's neck, which was sure to leave a mark, Jane needed to feel her tongue against Maura's again. Mid-gasp, Jane captured Maura's lips with her own and returned to the passionate kissing they began with. But Maura needed more. More skin. More contact. She quickly moved her hands from the edge of the tub and slipped them under Jane's t-shirt. She had to breakaway from the kiss with a heavy gasp as her hands traced Jane's sculpted abdomen.

"Off," she breathed, "this needs to…off" Maura barely managed to get out. Jane pushed her back a little to swiftly pull the shirt up and over her head. Maura took a moment to scan, to take in, to trace the beauty that was in front of her. A moment was all she could take before Jane felt she needed to even the playing field, Jane hurriedly pulled Maura's blouse out from within her skirt and couldn't be bothered with the buttons. One swift rip and buttons clattered to the bathroom floor, a few in the tub. Maura gasped as the cool air touched her skin, breathing heavily, chest heaving, full breasts bulging over the confines of her bra.

Jane, for a moment, was at a loss of what to do. Maura was absolutely breathtaking and it was almost too much for Jane to take in. _Almost_.

In one swift motion, Jane relinquished her hold on Maura's ass, lifting to reposition so they each had a thigh between their centers, and maneuvered their position so Jane was now on top. God, did it feel good to be on top.

Thrusting hips against thighs made them both scream out, the sensation much too high for the amount of clothing they still had on.

Jane returned her attention once again to Maura's mouth and began trailing soft, wet kisses down her neck, her shoulder, her collarbone, to the mound of flesh peaking out from Maura's bra, and finally, Jane placed her mouth around the tiny nub beneath the fabric and sucked.

Maura gasped, "Jane, please"

With that, a smirk played across Jane's face as she sat back in order to pull the restricting skirt off of Maura's waist and before lowering herself on top of Maura, she gave a hard thrust against her thigh. Maura bit back a moan and Jane exhaled a drawn out "fuck." Maura couldn't take it any longer, she grabbed Jane's wrist and pushed it down between them. Eager.

Jane's left hand slowly slipped through the thin fabric barrier between them and her right threw Maura's skirt out of her way and over the edge of the tub. It had knocked over the half-empty bottle with a low clank and in that moment, it hit them both.

Jane paused, immediately pulled out of the moment, and glanced around at their surroundings, remembering why they were in the bathtub in the first place, her eyes landed on the tipped over bottle before her eyes returned to Maura's.

"I'm so s-sorry—" was all Maura could get out before a heavy, shattering sob was pulled from her throat. Jane, in a bit of shock, removed her hand from Maura's underwear and sat back, pulling Maura up with her.

Jane slid her thumbs under Maura's eyes, wiping the tears that so violently fell, it was heartbreaking. "Maura, honey, calm down. Why, why are you sorry?"

"I-I'm sorry I want this-us so badly, Jane, but I can't, I don't—it can't be like this. I don't—" a sob racks through her body, "_I _don't want to be like _this" _she gestures to the bottle, her smeared eye makeup, "I want to remember it, I want to wake up in the morning and have full—" she hiccups, "full recollection of what we did. I want to remember every inch of skin, every mark. I want you so badly, so, _so_ badly Jane, but I don't want to be intoxicated for it. I'm sorry— I shouldn't have led you on, I shouldn't have gotten us to this point, I should have controlled myself, I-I'm so s-sorry-" she couldn't say anything else. She collapsed against the detective. Defeated.

Another sob. Fresh tears.

"Oh, Maur." Jane whispers as she pulls her close.


End file.
